Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
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Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
*jazz hands*
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
New tinder profile pic
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.