I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
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INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Tony Hawk, age 6
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
I have a type: disappointing
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
I’m not lazy
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
This is my cat’s medicine.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today