Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
You Might Also Like
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.