I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
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The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
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Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.