I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
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A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Mouse
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes