ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
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My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
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I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
I’m about to risk it all
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Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
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[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”