imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
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Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
thanks auntie mary
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!