Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
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Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
S M O L
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.