How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
You Might Also Like
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”