*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
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America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
sounds kinky. i’m in.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.