Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
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Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.