Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
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I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
It was worth a shot 😂
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations