Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
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If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄