[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
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I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Breaking news:
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Oh the world we live in…
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.