The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
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Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink