The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB![]()
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8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
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ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.