Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
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do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
I have a black belt in leather
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”