Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
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[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*