The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
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I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
can’t catch a break
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.