inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
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Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”