inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
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My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
How it started: How it’s going:
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Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
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Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.