overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
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Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
THIS HEADLINE
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
bad news gang
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.