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When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
satan: not today, microsoft teams
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update