[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
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As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car