[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
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Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
The internet is full of many things
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry