How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
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I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
the short answer to this question
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.