Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
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changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.