MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
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Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.