Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
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The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Ovenable?
A dead goose is called a ghoost
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.