Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
You Might Also Like
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color