Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
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*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.