So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
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Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.