Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
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Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow