I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
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I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.