Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
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the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Best table by far
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!