Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
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My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.