“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
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A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.