ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
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When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
I’m crying im so happy for them
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”