For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
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ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Challenge accepted.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*