Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
You Might Also Like
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead