*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
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You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.