You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
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Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Candles never taste the way they smell
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you