You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
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me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo
my wife: the baby’s crying
me: as he should be. it’s upsetting
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
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my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.