I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
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If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Bro what is this
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.