Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
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[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.