This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
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I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day