Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
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Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
😆this is so true
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
dutch so unserious
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L