If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
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[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Is your wife single?
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.