Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
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Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
I unironically love this joke.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito