Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
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You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?