I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
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i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*