I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
You Might Also Like
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.