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Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements