Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
You Might Also Like
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*