Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
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Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
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If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out![]()
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.