Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
You Might Also Like
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.